The Church Shouldn't Have to Make You Say Hello
what we lose when we only greet our brothers
Church greeting time: the dreaded two minutes of greeting your brethren, usually people you already know, with little effort toward those you don’t.
If you get the sense I don’t like this time, you wouldn’t be wrong. My reasons, however, might be different than those you’ve heard before. Buckle your seatbelts, ladies and gents: I’m about to tell you all my unpopular opinions about the state of Christian community in the church.
I’m not here to complain. I truly believe we can positively change our church cultures. But to get there, we have to deconstruct some embedded beliefs preventing that progress. Let’s start with three things I’m seeing in American church culture, followed by three biblical mandates we can’t ignore, and three social steps you can take to align yourself with God’s will in this area.
Obsession with introversion and extroversion. When you chose to follow Jesus (or He chose you, depending on your theology), you signed up for a life of laying yourself down. That’s right: Your personality and preferences come second to His call. And as we’ll look at in a moment, there are real, biblical calls to action that will stretch both introvert and extrovert alike. God designed our personalities, but those personalities have been affected by sin. We are not objective persons, and some of us are going far beyond the basics of “I like to read in quiet places” to “I can’t and won’t greet anyone I don’t know.” I sympathize; social events exhaust me, hosting pushes my limits (and my selfishness), and I struggle to come up with good questions to ask people in conversation, especially on that two-minute countdown timer.
Thinking biblically about personality types: “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters” (1 John 3:16).
If John speaks only about the great “laying down” of death, we can skim past this command with ease. It is much harder to lay down our lives in the church lobby. It is much harder when we want to stay in our comfortable, circling patterns of pride. I’d love to talk only to my friends at church, but that’s not what church is for. I’ve learned to overcome my personal preferences, learn social etiquette (which removes social anxiety), and make an effort to love my brothers and sisters. “Introversion” is not my identity; “follower of Christ” is.
Only greeting people when you’re commanded to. Friends, the church is mandating greeting those around you because you don’t do it unless you’re told to. In liturgical traditions this is called the “passing of the peace.” As the liturgy entered evangelicalism, and eventually nondenominationalism, it morphed into neighbor-greeting time. One might argue it’s been stripped of its true meaning, and that’s part of the problem here (I agree). Regardless of where it came from, the greeting time exists to pull you out of yourself for two minutes, yet many of us are still fixated on our own comfort. We are so focused on protecting our own peace, we can’t pass any on to our neighbor.
Thinking biblically about church greeting time: “If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?” (Matt. 5:46–47). Think of the worst secular meeting or club you’ve ever been to—the one with the most posturing, the most jockeying, and brownnosing. Imagine how the people greeted one another—usually just the ones they know. This is the parallel Jesus is drawing for his hearers. What are you doing more than the worst of the worst? You are exactly the same as the pagans. I don’t think I can be more forthright than Jesus was. He’s saying it all for me, and He’s saying it from a place of love. He is righteously angry at the behavior of God’s people because they are blocking people from experiencing God’s love. That is exactly what we are doing when we refuse to lay down our personal preferences to ask someone’s name.
The church lobby cliques. Emily Post, the etiquette queen we would all benefit from in this day and age, taught that the host is responsible for the comfort of every guest. If you are an established member of a church, you are the host. You are responsible to introduce anyone you bring to church to the people in your circle. You are responsible to seek out and welcome anyone who is new. You are responsible. Most serious Christians would scoff at church being treated like a social club, but for new attendees, that’s exactly how it feels. They stand near the coffee bar hoping someone will come up to them, nervous about their second or third visit—and no one even looks in their direction. But if hundreds and thousands of Christians take up the responsibility of an established member, no one is left behind.
Thinking biblically about cliques: Jesus’s words in Matthew 5 apply again here. It’s one thing to have intimate friendships; I’m not saying you shouldn’t have an inner circle (I do!). I’ve also had people assume they are “inner circle” who were not, which is a confusing and painful thing to navigate. There will be friendships that are close and those that are not; Jesus modeled this (John 15:15). But notice: Jesus didn’t stand around talking to His disciples when the crowd was present. He held private, intimate conversations with his disciples after the crowd departed. Until then, the people were His priority. I recently heard a tip about this from a fellow women’s minister at a Midwest church. She made a pact with her best friend to refrain from conversation on Sunday morning. Beyond “hello” and a hug, they mutually committed to seek out women in need of welcome—establishing personal time together later in the week. By setting an example of hospitality, these women changed their church culture and ended the cliques.
I feel a sense of holy urgency around this topic. It brings me to near tears to pen these words. I picture the faces of people standing there, lost, new, wandering, waiting, surrounded by Christians with only the 20 percent—usually church leadership—turning their way. I think of the people who came once and never came back. I think of the people who tried to find connection and couldn’t, because we prefer comfort to the Cross.
Church, it is not your pastor’s job to greet the brethren. It is your job. And “greeting” doesn’t just constitute “hello”; it’s a posture of the heart. It’s a heart that says, “There is room for you here.” It’s a heart that says, “I’m willing to lay myself down for you.” It’s a heart that says, “I’m letting God sanctify me because I want to partner with Him in the love He’s showing you.”
Here are three ways you can step out in that partnership with God:
Come up with three questions to ask the people around you during the church greeting time. This is a tip I learned from Julia Child in her memoir. Julia was often at a disadvantage at dinner parties because she didn’t know what to ask. She also didn’t have many interests (at the time), so she lacked things to share. Julia wrote down her questions on a 3x5 card and kept it in her purse, reviewing it before parties and events. You can do this for church! Think of three initial questions (after asking their name) to help you learn more about the people around you.
Commit to meeting one new person every Sunday. If you don’t run into them during the passing of the peace, find them in the lobby. I attend a middle-size church (500-600 between two services). I can’t greet everyone, but I can get to know someone. Being in a large church is the same as being in a small one if you intentionally create the intimacy of a smaller body. If your friends tend to congregate and suck you in (easy to do), communicate to them that you are on a mission. Invite them to join you! Train your children to do the same.
Challenge yourself to stop using personality as an excuse. There are many people in today’s day and age who believe God made them the way they are, sinful tendencies and all. We recognize wayward theology in the lives of others; do we recognize it in ourselves? Is our view of personality colored more by psychology than by Christ? Our personalities glorify the Lord when they are in submission to His heart. This happens through the Word and prayer, but becomes real through obedience.
I’ve been on this journey (some may say crusade) for years now, so I’ve seen how the path unfolds. There is so much joy in store for you. There is so much goodness ahead. Open your eyes, open your heart, and open your door—just like Jesus does. You’ll never regret it.
This article is part of the Thinking Biblically series that goes out to my newsletter each Tuesday. The newsletter includes additional sections such as “Around the Christian World” (a collection of essays from around Substack and other sites), “What I’m Reading” and “What I’m Loving”.
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This is what landed us at our current church. We moved this summer, checked out 4 different churches and NO ONE at any of them greeted/talked us at all. We had to walk to people ourselves ha (thankfully I've grow in being able to do that). It was honestly very sad and discouraging. I kept imaging how that could especially be confusing if I wasn't even a believer. Our current church was the first one that the pastor and multiple people came up to introduce themselves. And it spoke to the character of the church! Never assume "someone else will do it" and be what you want from others. All that to say, this was a great and needed article.
Yes! I've challenged myself to meet someone new every week. Our church is growing, so that is not hard to do. I wrote their name down in my journal later, so I don't forget. I am an introvert too.